I lift things up, and I put them down. Can I have an endorsement please?!

Being an athlete is a hell of a lot harder than lifting heavy things and putting them down. First, you wake up every day with a firestorm of people telling you how awesome you are. You’re so talented, tehehe. You’re so good at everything! You’re going places! Oh you play a professional sport? Can we get naked now?

Athletes are rarely given an opportunity to develop actual character because they spend most of their life getting smoke blown up their no-no zone. That’s why Michael Jordan is one of the most egotistical human beings on the planet. Oh, didn’t you know? When he was inducted in the Hall of Fame, he spent the majority of his speech talking about how he “might” make a comeback. Everyone laughed, but he was serious. Every few years he practices with “the team,” you know, the awful NBA team that he owns, and there’ s a brief media blitz about whether or not Jordan could cut it in the NBA at his age. Who cares?

These failures of human beings grow up and become famous for their athletic ability. Guess what happens then? Their characters shine through, and they get into legal/ethical trouble. Contrary to the stereotype of athletes getting a free ride, there are actually two separate reactions this athlete can receive.

1) He can get a free pass and everyone can turn their head. Remember that time Ben Roethlisberger raped half a dozen women? Yea, me neither.

2) There’s a huge feigned moral outrage. Everyone sheds a tear of bullshit, and the athlete is figuratively crucified in the town square.

Look at Michael Vick. He killed dogs and made chump change from it. He killed a dog?! OH MY WORD! Listen, it’s sad, sure. Is it worth a prison sentence? Hell. No. Michael Vick was sent to prison because a bunch of overweight soccer moms got up in arms at the thought their fluffy might have been killed by Michael Vick. Yea, people actually said, “what if it were your dog?!” If my dog is a freakin’ Pomeranian, I’m finding it hard to believe that Michael Vick will jump in my window at night and get him.

Need I even bring up Plaxico Burress? He was another NFL star who caught a couple years in The Pen because… wait for it… HE SHOT HIMSELF. Yep. You heard it right. He got sent to prison for being the idiot that actually shoots himself.

As for being role models, screw that. If your kid only has some coked out NFL/NBA/MLB “superstar” to look up to, I recommend you unglue them from the idiot box and start being an actual parent. These are not the people who should be teaching your children how to act. If they are, I sigh at your existence.