Newspapers: Paper Mache or Toilet Paper?

Let's be honest folks--the only thing newspapers are good for is creating those creepy paper mache gifts. You know, the ones you give your mom for her birthday so you can avoid buying her a real gift. I've been saddled with the tree-killing fluff-jobs that are newspapers for a large portion of my life. My mom and dad both loved to sit quietly at the breakfast table and thumb through those coarse ink-stained pages. I couldn't stand it.

Don't let me confuse you, sir or lass. This isn't a tutorial on how to make paper mache. I mean, you use water and flour in a certain combination, but I don't care if you ever exercise your creative license. My only goal here is to let you know that newspapers are officially classified as the walking dead, and you should abandon them immediately.
The New York Times, The Washington Post, and even the Dundalk Eagle are all a bunch of aging dinosaurs refusing to accept the sweet death. Dylan Thomas wrote about fighting the dying of the light, but I can tell you without a doubt that once the lights go out it's time to get your ass off my couch and go home. Newspapers are like that lonely friend that stays just a little bit too long at your apartment. I'll walk outside in my Dr. Pepper pajamas and find a slew of ink-blotched dead trees laying in my yard. I still get newspapers delivered to my house even though I don't pay for them. They're giving away coarse toilet paper! Hurray.

Maybe I'm being a little acerbic. Listen, it's not that the paper doesn't have useful information. It does! Unfortunately, I can get that same information for free every time my fingers crap out a thought into a google search engine. Why do I need newspapers? Why do you? I'm positive that once the older, newspaper-reading generations start to die off we can finally be rid of the entire business. Then society will look back on this experience with mocking glee. Ha ho ha, those silly old farts used to waste thousands of trees a day printing drab crap! What were they thinking!

Newspaper subscriptions are declining. Advertisements are increasing. Content is thinning. Fear is fattening. As the Beatles once said, let it be. Time is always pushing us forward. If you can't keep up, prepare to be trampled in its wake. Don't get caught up in the decay that is this aging medium. You're reading this blog because you know that anything worth reading is on the internet. You're reading this blog because your heart is telling you to move on. You've been good to us, Newspapers, but it's time you take a long, lonely walk into a recycling bin.