I lift things up, and I put them down. Can I have an endorsement please?!

Being an athlete is a hell of a lot harder than lifting heavy things and putting them down. First, you wake up every day with a firestorm of people telling you how awesome you are. You’re so talented, tehehe. You’re so good at everything! You’re going places! Oh you play a professional sport? Can we get naked now?

Athletes are rarely given an opportunity to develop actual character because they spend most of their life getting smoke blown up their no-no zone. That’s why Michael Jordan is one of the most egotistical human beings on the planet. Oh, didn’t you know? When he was inducted in the Hall of Fame, he spent the majority of his speech talking about how he “might” make a comeback. Everyone laughed, but he was serious. Every few years he practices with “the team,” you know, the awful NBA team that he owns, and there’ s a brief media blitz about whether or not Jordan could cut it in the NBA at his age. Who cares?

These failures of human beings grow up and become famous for their athletic ability. Guess what happens then? Their characters shine through, and they get into legal/ethical trouble. Contrary to the stereotype of athletes getting a free ride, there are actually two separate reactions this athlete can receive.

1) He can get a free pass and everyone can turn their head. Remember that time Ben Roethlisberger raped half a dozen women? Yea, me neither.

2) There’s a huge feigned moral outrage. Everyone sheds a tear of bullshit, and the athlete is figuratively crucified in the town square.

Look at Michael Vick. He killed dogs and made chump change from it. He killed a dog?! OH MY WORD! Listen, it’s sad, sure. Is it worth a prison sentence? Hell. No. Michael Vick was sent to prison because a bunch of overweight soccer moms got up in arms at the thought their fluffy might have been killed by Michael Vick. Yea, people actually said, “what if it were your dog?!” If my dog is a freakin’ Pomeranian, I’m finding it hard to believe that Michael Vick will jump in my window at night and get him.

Need I even bring up Plaxico Burress? He was another NFL star who caught a couple years in The Pen because… wait for it… HE SHOT HIMSELF. Yep. You heard it right. He got sent to prison for being the idiot that actually shoots himself.

As for being role models, screw that. If your kid only has some coked out NFL/NBA/MLB “superstar” to look up to, I recommend you unglue them from the idiot box and start being an actual parent. These are not the people who should be teaching your children how to act. If they are, I sigh at your existence.

Music Belongs to Those Who Make It!

Today’s music artist isn’t a prostitute for a bloated music company (also known as, The Man). Today’s music artist releases their own music and relies on viral marketing and word of mouth to build up the buzz. The difference between today’s music industry and yesterday’s is very simple: The internet has made massive advertising campaigns outdated.

Before the collective breath of the internet, before this inhale and exhale of cultural information, it was impossible for a music artist to get their music to the entire country. It costs thousands, if not millions, of dollars to launch an advertisement campaign. No individual artist or small, independent publishing company could cover those costs. Artists were forced to sign the contract if they ever wanted to make it into a studio. This basically meant they weren’t making any money from their CDs, but they cleared checks doing tour dates.

Thankfully, My Precious (the internet) has solved that problem. As an upcoming music artist you can use free websites like youtube, twitter, and blogger to build yourself a career. You have the power to make a video that can be seen by millions, and you can do this for free.

Take Amanda Palmer as a perfect example. If you don’t know who she is, perhaps you ought to spend more time plugged into the brain drain, eh? Palmer has made a successful career off of giving her songs away for free. She has her own blog, and she develops her own marketing campaigns. For instance, her most recent Album, Amanda Palmer Goes Down Under, had a little marketing tool attached to it that involved designer panties. She sent out a message on her blog for her fans to create AFP (Amanda Fucker Palmer) Panties that she could wear on stage while touring. The results? Well... Feel free to check out the mouthpiece of her latest album, Map of Tasmania! She wears a lot of the "user submissions" in the music video


It’s true that the sell-out cookie-cutter hacks (Justin Beiber) still exist, but think about where that kid was discovered? Usher was jonesing for some talented little boy to live vicariously through, and he found this little boy to stalk on youtube. The rest is history, right? PS: I wonder how many times Usher has shown Beiber “The Usher Abs?” Ugh. That relationship is creepier than Father O'Flannigan and his harem of alter boys.

The point is that there has been a power shift on whose opinion matters most. Of course the consumer still tops the list. The democratization of information is ever-stronger with the internet being the driving force behind many careers. However, unlike years past, the musical talents are the ones who get to choose how big they become. Every video they upload, every blog they write, every song they release for free, is putting them one step closer to getting picked up into the collective consciousness that is social media.